Walking away is not an option... dialogue must prevail.

"A good listener tries to understand what the other person is saying. In the end he may disagree sharply, but because he disagrees, he wants to know exactly what it is he is disagreeing with."
- Kenneth A. Wells

"I do not want the peace that passeth understanding. I want the understanding which bringeth peace."
- Helen Keller

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

torn


I've been struggling with something for about a week now. It may not make any sense, I'll probably ramble... and I'm not going to re-read it and edit it to death like I do some other posts.

This is straight from the hip. Maybe if I just write it down... something will come to me.

I received a phone call a little while back from a friend. She was in tears. This always sets off my protective "I'm going to kick someone's arse" mode. Unfortunately, the more I listened, the more I came to the conclusion that my crying friend was the one deserving of a swift kick.

I've been put in the middle, between two people I care about, and in a most unfortunate way.

The crying caller had just been in a "fight" with my other friend, the heartbroken one. I was being sollicited as a referee (problem is, only one of them sollicited me).

You see, the cryer betrayed the heartbroken's trust, hence the fight. And now, by asking me to intervene and to side with her, she was betraying our mutual friend once more.

Cryer and Heartbroken have been through something together that they decided to put in the past so they could move on with their lives. It's a doozy. It was agreed by both of them that this "thing" wouldn't be revealed to anyone (have I lost you yet?).

Unfortunately, Cryer decided she needed to talk to someone about it. Which, I guess could have been ok... had she picked someone that didn't know Heartbroken, or at the very least, not identified her. But no...
I've been through this myself, and I understand Heartbroken.

What's worse is Cryer has not, in any of the conversations I've had with her or her accounts of "the confrontation", truly felt remorse. All I hear from her is "but I needed to get this off my chest, I couldn't deal with it alone". If only she recognized that it's not as much about seeking help in dealing as in revealing the other party involved. I know Heartbroken would have understood if only her involvement in this "thing" had been left out of it.
And on top of it all, I am now a second person to whom the secret has been revealed.

I know Heartbroken is hurting but since I don't want to damage this relationship that may never be salvaged any further, possibly obliterating it completely (maybe that wouldn't be all that bad... but I'm not going to do that), I can't go to her.

ARGH!

I've forgiven some serious shit in the past. Being cheated on, lied to and stolen from... and I've moved on. I leave it up to Karma. But this? This kind of betrayal, it's hard. A tough pill to swallow.

I don't feel better. This didn't help... Crap. Sorry I wasted your time.

23 comments:

ciara said...

wow that's tough. what would heartbroken say if she found out that cryer came to you and spilled the secret? i think it's beyond salvaging (their friendship) and i think you should tell cryer that this is hers to deal with. she should have never come to you with something that heartbroken trusted her never to speak of again. heck, that's too frustrating. i wouldn't know what to do. :-/

Anndi said...

Ciara, it does make me wonder if I can trust Cryer with anything major myself... I do know she came to me out of a very bad place and it would have been ok if she had kept the secret part to herself and just told me about the fight. I would never tell someone to end a friendship so I'm trying to be very careful about the advice I give. In many cases I just listen as people figure it out themselves... I'm just afraid Cryer may end up self destructing if I don't do something.

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. I really do appreciate it :)

Fortune Cookies said...

Ugh! It so sucks to get stuck in the middle of someone else's cesspool of yuck!

All you can do is take care of you and be there for heartbroken when and if she is ready to talk. Sorry you are having to deal with this mess.

Don't you just hate it when people are so selfish that their actions negatively impact you? UGH!

Kate said...

I wish I knew what to say, but I don't.

Follow your heart. That's all I really can think of.

I was in the middle of some shit last night.. I felt my girl (Karen) was betrayed, so I spoke up to the betrayer because I'm protective of Karen.

I may have lost what I thought was a "friend" but I don't feel a loss, because she was out of line.. and her whole reaction to all of this has been poor me, look what you did to me...

movin on..

Lisa said...

sounds like cryer is the one not able to keep life-long friendships... might not be someone you'll end up needing in the future anyway. I know it's tough, but is she worth it? She has no remorse, no conscious, and obviously can't apologize appropriately.

:( tough decision. I don't envy you right now.

Akelamalu said...

Cryer has shown her true colours IMO. Keep out of it, tell her you can't take sides and she must deal with it herself. Then, my lovely, I would distance myself from Cryer altogether. Hope this helps. x

Charles Gramlich said...

Keeping secrets seems virtually impossible for most folks. I'm sorry you were put in the middle of something. You didn't desrve it and unfortunately there's no easy way out. I know that didn't help.

Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

pardon me for bringing it back to you, but what kind of a$$wipe would cheat on YOU Ann???????? Nucking Futs!

Turnbaby said...

I do know that you are exceptional in the ass kick department when needed*grin*

Travis Erwin said...

The entire situation sucks. Maybe you could have a sit down with all parties. Or you could bury your head in a hole and pretend you know nothing.

Kay said...

Anndi, I feel for you. Sometimes our friends can do the dumbest things. Wait, sometimes we all do dumbass things.

Anyway. I hope you were able to tell Cryer that you resented being put into this position. And I sincerely hope that you are able to salvage the relationship. I think bowing out of the referee role is a must, obviously you don’t want to do that. Cryer should understand that… I hope she does.

--hugs--

Anndi said...

Cookies, part of being my friend is knowing that I'll listen when I'm needed. I have no problems doing that. It's just that she should have refrained from telling me who the other party was. She was in a very bad place, like I said, the "thing" was a biggie. Now I just feel bad that I have a friend I know is hurting but my approaching her would only make things worse.

Kate, sometimes we have to stand up for the people we love. If the "out of line" person really is a friend, it'll hopefully work itself out. **hugs**

Lisa, she's not dealing very well with the situation they both went through... I think if that can be addressed she'll see past herself and understand the hurt she caused. I hope. It takes a lot for me to walk away from a good friend. Loyalty is important to me. She's usually a good friend, I just think she's in too much pain to see clearly at the moment.

Akelamalu, as I've said, she's always been a very good friend but she's in a very bad place right now. I did explain to her that I wasn't going to take sides and that she should stop talking about this to more people. *sigh*

Charles, thank you my friend. You took the time to "listen" and that helped.

Gary, yup, it happened. I've even caught someone trolling the interwebz and dating services behind my back. Hey, even Jennifer Anniston was cheated on. ;) Thanks.

Turnbaby, SMOOCH!

Travis Erwin, I can't say anything to my heartbroken friend without aggravating the situation so I'm going to concentrate on one friend and hope I can get it through her thick bullheaded skull that she needs to fix this. Knowing my other friend (because she's a lot like me) she just wants to know that a mistake, an error in judgement, was made and there truly is repentance.

Kay, yes... we all do dumbass things. That's precisely why I won't referee but I will focus on the pain that caused the "betrayal" and helping her understand that despite how sad she was, it wasn't ok to do what she did. I hope it can be salvaged, they've known each other for too long to throw it all away.

Ron said...

OMG...what is it about us Libra's that a) people always feel comfortable spilling their guts to us, and b)we have this protective mode inside of us that makes us want to defend and kick ass for them?

But what I've discovered, is that everytime I end up kicking ass for someone, they NEVER stand up for themselves. So I've stopped doing that. It's not easy, but I've stopped.

Another thing I've discovered, is that some people are "emotional transferers"...meaning, they don't like dealing with their own emotions and feelings, so they find people (like US) who they KNOW will feel and express their emotions for them.

Boy...I know this has to be a tough situation you're going through, being placed in the middle.

And like you, I'm not one for giving advice to someone, but I would like to share this with you...

...if I knew someone who was betraying someone else, that would be sign to me that they can't be trusted, and if I don't trust someone...then BAM...they're out of my life.

That's how strongly I feel about trust.

You're a wise lady, Anndi...so follow your gut feelings, and trust them.

Love ya!
X

Dianne said...

I agree that you should follow your gut

I'm always suspicious of people who are "sorry" but their sorrow is more about them than it is about the person they hurt

Cryer sounds like that kind of person

It's so hard to not be a caretaker isn't it? it is part of who you are and that is a wonderful thing - just take care of yourself first

coopernicus said...

It's not your deal. Listening is one thing...by taking action is OOTQ on this one. Cryer has to suck it up and deal with her own mess. You cann support...but certainly not fix.
Just my unsolicited two bits...

Rainbow said...

Anndi Panda....I would go with Ron said...follow your "gut feeling"...I know you would like nothing more than to be there for both, even though Cryer made the mistake of telling a secret...personally, I hate secrets! They are damaging to people. I wish you luck, cuz you already have the courage to deal with this. Luv n hugs,
S.

Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

But Ann, Jennifer Anniston isn't half the woman you are.

Anndi said...

Thanks to all for the sage words of advice. I do appreciate it.

Gary, um, are you saying I'm fat? It's because of these pants... isn't it?

Mimi Lenox said...

I'm sorry you were put in this position but it sounds like you are handling it brilliantly. Sending healing vibes to all involved.

Lu' said...

Not a waste of time sweets. I'd back away.

Meribah said...

Aww, that sucks. As difficult as it might be, you should probably just stay out of it and let the two of them duke it out on their own. You do NOT want to get caught in the ugliness and end up being hurt yourself. When in doubt, be like Switzerland: neutral.

Grumpy said...

I too think you should follow your gut. And I agree with Ron, What is it with us Libras. I swear I am a sucker for punishment. Alway finding myself in situations like this. I think you should sit on it for awhile.

Starrlight said...

Oh what an unpleasant place to but you in! Trust your gut on what to do. I find if I over think things I make way more mistakes than just going with the gut.